Special to Miami Blog….reporting from Escazu, Costa Rica.

I was asked to cover Terry Bender’s column as he is unaccounted for at the moment.  I’m Mark Thomas, and I’m a freelance writer from Miami.  About a month ago, Terry and I visited Costa Rica.  I liked it so much that I came back for a week for some R & R.  I went out to a place last night called Gaira.  Supposedly it’s “like a Miami Night Club” according to locals.  While that perked my interest, I have some bad news to report. 

Gaira is located in the trendy, Americanized area of Costa Rica called Escazu.  Escazu is where 90% of the expatriates live and set up business.  It has a Hooters, an Outback Steakhouse (I’ve grown very fond of that place), T.G.I. Friday’s, Tony Romas, and of course, all the normal fast food joints.  I had high hopes of meeting a nice Tica and settling down in this area at one point, but every time I try to settle into Costa Rica I’m let down.  Great place to visit, but to settle down and live, it has too many things that run way too inefficient for me, personally.

So, I go to Gaira with a group of friends.  It’s decor is nice, but the first thing I see is men with painted chests at the doorway.  I asked if it was GAY NIGHT and they got very upset with me.  They said “it’s ladies night.”  I was like, “OK, whatever.”  I entered, somewhat reluctantly, and upon entering, noticed that the women were all downstairs with a bunch of shirtless dancers who were certainly not straight.  Nothing against gay people, but I don’t go to the “hottest night club in Escazu” to watch girls frolic around with shirtless men, while I sit upstairs entrenched in the world’s biggest sausage party aside from Nathan’s hot dog eating competition on the 4th of July.  Not my style.

After about 20 minutes of slamming vodka cranberries, I finally tell everyone I’m fed up with this extreme joeyness. I’ve seen enough sonic the hedgehog-style haircuts (I think it’s the national haircut in Costa Rica) and certainly don’t need to see any more. 

The music was very doosh, in my opinion. It was a mix of Spanish love songs and some horrible upbeat Spanish jams.  I would have been cool if I heard “Jenny from the Block,” but these unknown, unproven Spanish artists that dominate the clubs here are just not my cup of tea. 

I’d grade the entire experience at Gaira as an EPIC FAIL.